Watching the Olympics was always a kind of traditional ritual in our family. Every
four years, we’d hunker down with the Fritos and bean dip usually reserved only
for football Sunday and we’d hoot and holler for athletes we had never heard of ten
days prior. It’s a tradition that I’m proud to say I have passed on to my children;
we even subscribed to cable for the month so that we could experience the time-
delayed drama of Individual Dressage, Gymnastics and Fencing first-hand. Bleary-
eyed, we stumble for our beds after too many snacks and hours of spectating. It’s not
easy.
But just as I was congratulating myself on our family’s dedicated and grueling
viewing regimen, the Washington Post went and published a story about the 13 phenomenal athletes on the US Olympic team who also happen to be moms. Thirteen. Did you people know this? I mean, I knew that the genetically superior volleyball legend Kerri Walsh Jennings had two little guys cheering in the stands. But there are 12 more. These mamas do the high jump, play basketball and soccer, cycle, they jump hurdles and even – brace yourself – throw the discus. And lots of them even win medals. How amazing are these women!??!
American Olympian mamas, I lift my glass of well-chilled Chardonnay to you and
thank you for inspiring me to fantasize about winning an event I might actually have
a chance in. What, you ask, could I possibly be thinking? Well, since you asked, I am
thinking that we should host the 1st Annual Games of the Momlympiad right here in
Bozeman where we everyday mamas could compete in categories like:
Synchronized Diaper Changing
Parents of twins, here is your time to shine. Judging will not only be based on
grace, timing and togetherness, but also on poop management and butt-crack
maintenance.
Xbox Remote Wrestle
Anyone who’s read the alarming story of the teen who was hospitalized after 4
days of nonstop Xbox-ing knows that mamas need to be ready with an Underhook
Counter followed by the Rotate Double Takedown and – if necessary – a Submission
Grapple to get that remote out of innocent hands.
Fully Clothed Dive
We’ve all been there. Your child swims to the deep end, but won’t swim back.
Mamas will dive into the shallow end and swim fully clothed to the deep end to
retrieve now-crying child. Extra degree of difficulty will be granted for shoes and
socks.
Mom-hicle Weave
Safety comes first, of course. But in this event, Mamas will prove their mettle by
putting pedal to the medal before the poop or puke hits the upholstery. A punishing
two-mile obstacle course of red lights, bodily fluids and pedestrians, this is for
experienced mamas only.
The 26-day Marathon
Not for the faint of heart, this event will test the hardiest of mamas by subjecting
them to 26 days without a single break from their children (those of you with little
ones at home and no local grandparents will understand the endurance required).
Yelling and/or physical threats of violence are not permissible. Strict doping rules
will be enforced; although one glass of wine will be permitted per day.
Multi-tasking IM
All participants are required to perform at least three of the following in any
combination at once: cooking dinner, holding feverish baby, entertaining overtired
toddler, recalling rules of 9th grade algebra, patiently talking husband through
grocery list on the phone wedged in the crook of the neck.
And, of course, the list could go on and on, right?
Please feel free to suggest more Momlympic events in order to make these games a
reality for those of us who have stretch marks where our abs should be!
