Gum in Your Hair

A blog for parents under the big sky.

Adolescents and Autonomy

 

WRITTEN BY KATIE TRAVIS

 

If it feels like your child has been moving away from you from the moment they were born, it’s because they have. We nurture them, comfort them, keep them safe, teach them how to be in the world and they take all these wonderful gifts and use them to grow and go. And that’s what we want them to do: grow and go out into the world well prepared to make their place in it. This desire to go didn’t start at age 11 or 12.

Your adolescent has been practicing being independent in one form or another his whole life. Remember her first “No!”? What an enlightening moment that was for your two year old. Each stage of development brings experiences that force us to let go just a little more as our child gains independence. However, the drive for autonomy ramps up during the adolescent years.

The definition of autonomy found in the Oxford Learner’s Dictionary cuts to the core of what the adolescent is seeking: Autonomy: the ability to act and make decisions without being controlled by anyone else. Suddenly there is a lot more resistance to parental input. Your child has an increased desire for privacy and wants to figure things out on their own. “It’s my life,” and, “Why do you have to know everything I’m doing?” are common responses to parents’ questions.

As parents, it’s important to understand that your adolescent is not rejecting you but in a few short years will be leaving home and going on their own. They need to experiment with this, explore what it feels like and practice, practice, practice. The nice thing is that they are not on their own yet. They are still living under your roof, and though they would never admit it, your presence, input and guidance are invaluable.

How can parents best deal with the emotional upheaval of their adolescent’s drive for autonomy? In her book Untangled, Lisa Damour shares the metaphor of a swimming pool to help parents visualize the choppy waters of these years. Think of yourself, the parents, as the pool and the water as the broader world. Your adolescent is the swimmer. Adolescents will venture out into the deep water of the world; exploring, playing, interacting with others but when something goes wrong, they return to the safety, security and comfort of the pool’s sides, their parents, to regroup. Then, before you know it, they are ready to go again and push off, leaving again for the deep water. It is hard to go from feeling loved and connected one moment to distant and excluded the next, but understanding that it is not personal helps us to keep our hearts soft while our kids are out exploring, and to stay open and loving to their eventual return.

How can parents help their child get plenty of practice with making decisions before they leave home? Providing him with the opportunity to do for himself is a great way to increase his self-confidence while learning important life skills. Envision yourself in the role of consultant. Whenever possible, allow your adolescent to take the lead in making decisions on those things that impact him. Support her in thinking critically and determining the best choice for herself.

Give input in the form of choices and questions:

“Would you like to be home at 10 or 10:30 p.m.?” Or “What do you think is a reasonable curfew?” (You can always reply, “That’s not reasonable” if they say 4 a.m.) Ask yourself “What am I doing for my child that he could be doing for himself?”

When it comes time to register for classes, who is driving the selection? Is your vision of your child getting in the way of who they are expressing themselves to be? (That’s not to say that parental guidance is irrelevant – my father hounded me to take a typing class in high school. I begrudgingly did and have been thankful ever since.) As I said before, your presence, input and support really do have a strong influence on your adolescent.

What responsibilities around the home could she take on: laundry, meal preparation, refilling the gas tank? Allowing our adolescents to exert their autonomy with the small stuff gives them practice in making decisions while the consequences of making poor ones aren’t so detrimental as to be dangerous or have farreaching effects on their future well-being.

Adolescence is an amazing time in your child’s life. The brain and body are primed for an intense period of growth that ultimately will lead to going out into the world. With your love, support and guidance, plenty of practice making decisions and handling the consequences, your child will be well prepared when he does take that step into the broader world.

 

 

Katie Travis is a Parent Liaison at Bozeman High School for Thrive. Thrive is a Bozeman-area nonprofit that provides mentoring, education, and support for children and families.

For more information, please visit allthrive.org or call 406-587-3840.